The Diarrhoea Song(various versions)

When you're sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're sliding into home
And your pants are filled with foam
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're getting in a state
cos' you've left it very late
diarrhoea diarrhoea

When it comes out of your bum
like a bullet from a gun
diarrhoea diarrhoea

When it runs down your leg
like a scrambled egg
diarrhea diarrhea

You know its not very funny
but it's very hot and runny
diarrhea diarrhea

When you're sitting in the can,
Paintin' the bowl tan ...

Diarrhoea ... Diarrhoea.


When you're in the latrine,
And it comes out runny green.

When your ringpiece is aflame
'Cos you said the curry was tame
Diarrhoea ... Diarrhoea.

When the bowl you're pebble dashing,
And brown water is a splashing
Diarrhoea ... Diarrhoea.

When your paper's running out,
And there is no more about
Diarrhoea ... Diarrhoea.

When you’re sliding into first
And you feel something burst
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you’re sliding into third
And you lay a juicy turd
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you’re sliding into home
And you feel some thing foam
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're waiting with your mum it come out ya* bum
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're running up the stairs it comes out yer* flares
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I was walking down the lane
and I felt a funny pain
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!
so I went behind a bush
and it came out in a rush
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

It comes out your bum like pedigree chum
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

It shoots out your bum like a bullet from a gun
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you come into your home and your pants are full of foam
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I was running in a race
and I felt some on my face
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I was sitting in a tree
And it trickled on my knee
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into second and your shorts are fuller than you've reckoned
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into third and you feel that gushy turt
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into home and you feel the warm foam
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're driving in your Chevy and your shorts are getting heavy
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're driving in your Ford and your pants are fulla turd
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When yer lyin in yer bed and its runnin down yer leg
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I was walking in the attic and my bum went automatic
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sittin' on a cushion and you really feel it pushin'
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your running from a cop
and you hear sumthin plop
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When u think your almost home
and you feal a little fome
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you think you look cute
and you feal a liitle poot
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you think you just passed gass
but then you feal sumthin wet in your ass
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your fealing on your tooshie
and you feal squishie
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your workin in the kitchin
and you feal sumthin itchin
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your sittin and your ****tin
and your butt starts spittin
diarrhea diarrhea

When you think your almost there
and you have some time to spare
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your lickin on your sucker
and your ass stars to pucker
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I was walkin' down the hall, and I heard somthing fall,
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sitting in your class
and it's blowing out your ass
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're looking at a movie
and out comes a poopie.
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you think it's just a poop
but it comes out like soup
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're playing with your pet
and your butt is moist and wet
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're playing in the park
and you're seeing something dark
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're rolling' like a tire
cuz your intestines are on fire
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When the feeling's not that nice
and you have to flush it twice
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're on the seat for hours
and it doesn't smell like flowers
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your stomach starts a rollin'
and you're cleaning out your colon
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

Toilet paper you need to gather
cuz your butt worked up a lather
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You think you're feeling better
but you keep on getting wetter
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you think your friends are jokin'
but your pants are brown and soakin'
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You don't feel like a winner
when your butt blows out your dinner
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You really want to shout
as it keeps on dripping out
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You’re sitting on the pot
cuz it's coming out a lot
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

It’s sounds just like a horn
as your butt pops out some corn
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You’re there in the huddle
and you're standing in a puddle
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You just made a tackle
and it splattered out like spackle
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You’re going out for a pass
and it blows right out your ass
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

It’s really flowing loose
like it's running through a goose
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're shopping at the store
and it's dripping on the floor
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you eat an extra cherry
and your belly's feeling scary
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You’re acting like a fool
and your pants fill up with stool
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You really want to play
but your butt begins to spray
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You know you're having trouble
when your butt begins to bubble
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

That’s the way it goes
when your butt thinks it's a hose
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you're feeling kinda funky
cuz your butt is kinda skunky
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you think you hear it raining
perhaps your butt is draining
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you're swimming in a pool
and you leave a trail of stool
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your stomach's really hurting
and your butt it starts a squirting
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If your running really fast
cuz it's squirting out your ass
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If your butt's about to spew
and there's nothing you can do
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

Your stomach's feeling wavy
while your butt is making gravy
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you feel you need to scream
cuz your butt spews out a cream
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If your fun begins to fizzle
cuz you feel it start to drizzle
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You think you're gonna fart
but you blow your pants apart
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

What you thought was just a fart
just made your pants a work of art
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I was sitting in a tree
and it trickled down my knee
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

If you find a peanut on your pinky
and your finger's kinda stinky
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

I can tell by the smell
your not feeling very well
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

It’s when you strain to hear the words
and the whole theater hears your turds
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

It’s when you're foamin' at the ass
but you're just laughin' from the grass
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you weed and feed your grass
with liquid fertilizer ass
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You try to hold your breath
as you're leaking liquid death
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

Just when you think its gonna stop
you gotta run and get a mop
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're running in a race
and something splatters in your face
someone else's
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your stool is kinda loose
Just like grass goin thru a goose
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

when you eat at pizza hut
and your ass just won't stay shut
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When it hits you in a flash
and you make a gooey splash
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're feeling kinda sick
and you need a toilet quick
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

when you're sliding into first
and you feel something burst
diarrhea, diarrhea

when you're sliding into second
and you feel something beckon
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into third
and you feel a little turd
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into home
and you feel a burst of foam
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're driving down the road
and you gotta drop a load
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're driving in your chevy
and you feel something heavy
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

Some people think it's funny
but it's really hot and runny
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

No pain, no strain,
just sit and let it drain
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you think you've got to fart,
but your butt shoots out a dart
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're climbing up the ladder
and you hear something splatter
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you wake up in the morning
and your pants are overflowing
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your doing hula hoop
and you squirt a squishy poop
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you start to squeeze your cheeks,
and out your butt it leaks
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're eating tasty nachos
and your pants become gazpacho
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

Some people think it's gross
but it's really good on toast
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're playing "pull my finger"
And your butt lets out a zinger
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When most of what you excrete
Hits the bottom of the seat
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're dinner party's spoiled
'Cause your pants you just have soiled
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you think it's solid poop
But it feels like Chunky® Soup
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You know it's going to hurt
with each painful, burning squirt
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you feel like you're in labor
and you need three rolls of toilet paper
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you spread apart your tushy
and it comes out brown and mushy
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you feel the tide a'mountin'
then it's gushing like a fountain
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your pants smell like ****
and you don't think you can sit
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you start your flirting
and your ass starts a squirting
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your going down the slide
and You feel SOMETHING glide
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You just thought you'd bend down
and now the wall is brown
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When all you've done is fastin'
and your ass is still a-blastin'
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your surfin' on the 'net
and your chair gets hot and wet
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your drivin' in your Dodge
and your bowels start to dislodge
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You make a nasty frown
as your jeans are turnin' brown
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You really get annoyed
cuz its hell on hemmorhoids
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

Just relaxin' in the pool
Then your butt begins to drool
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you are driving your hog
and you drop a big log
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When you're getting in a state
cos' you've left it very late
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When it comes out of your bum
like a bullet from a gun
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When it runs down your leg
like a scrambled egg
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

You know its not very funny
but it's very hot and runny
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

When your paper's running out,
And there is no more about
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

when you you're running a little late
and your bum starts to inflate
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

when your stomach's feelin' sick
and your poo comes out all slick
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea!

A poem about me 'The Dumper'

Along the front where seagulls hop

There came a sound of plip n’plop

By Council plaque beside a bench

‘To Sid and Rose’… an acrid stench

Of peaceful thoughts where memories dwell

Replaced by rancid shitty smell

Now aged eyes that watched the sea

All now look out, for shit and pee

Those ballroom feet survived the blitz

Now do two-step, around the shits

Smudged all up, his Zimmer frame!

A liquid turd…but who’s to blame?

Survived the war and done his bit

Then swallowed up by acrid shit!

Council poop bins all in vain

As ‘The Dumper’ strikes again

People sunning on the beach

All gasp in awe then puke and reach

Amidst the stones and flocking birds

Lay soft and mushy….slushy turds!!!!

Even council cleanup crew

Put on masks then run and spew

…..Poor cleanup crew, their work is bleak

Cos Park got hit…the other week

A passing woman stopped to snigger

At slushy turd and council digger

Then cried in vain to urge her hound

Not to roll in rancid mound

To top this vile amazing feat

The turd he then, commenced to eat!

The cleanup crew looked in dismay

As dog and walker went their way

'I’ll be back soon'….came forth the shout

'So wear your gloves…. keep-good lookout!'

‘There’s more to come…! my council chums’

“I’m heading straight for Morrisons!

My laccy pills they keep in stock

….the curries make them nice and hot!”

“Just six pills…..I shit sublime!!!

My arse is working overtime!”

A Simple thing like rancid crap

Could put this town right on the map!

You’ll keep your jobs…and pay your tax

And get to clean up rancid craps

Floods of tourists overnight!!

Will come to view the re-vamped sight

'I’ve done the best to do my thing

But can’t stop now …my ring doth sting!'

With that… the dumper went her way

but planned to strike another day…..

I had a shit....

I had a shit & I enjoyed it, I splattered the pan as best I can, I released all the grease I had inside & the result was mighty fine. I stunk the toilet out, it was rank, it fucking stank. I flushed it down but there were still streaks of brown. Oh yeah what a result!

Ode to turd

Oh turd, is that fact that I love you absurd?
Oh turd you fill my life with joy and glee
Could anyone love you as much as me?
You are always on my mind
Even when you are not coming out from my behind
I have so much fun when you shoot out my bum
Oh turd your smell is divine
Soft and mushy is especially sublime
Oh turd I am your number one fan
Why do people flush you down the pan?
I wish you could forever stay and not be flushed away
Down the loo is no place for poo
Oh turd you are my world